Upclose and Personal

2007-10-17T04:14:00.000+08:00

Ever wondered?

Hello world, ever wondered why I didn't update for so long?
Yes, I had been busy, but also... I actually found a new home to house my thoughts.
I have shifted, so please update your links =)

http://chazzabugz.livejournal.com/

Love is....

2007-10-15T04:24:00.000+08:00

My sheep are...
Tiffany, Yuqian, Krisstle, Seepeng, Huitian, Lijia and Karchian.

They decide to love God and serve God, I love them.
They have to make decisions and they choose God, I love them.
They have to make decisions and they don't choose God, I will still love them.
They like me, I love them.
They don't like me, I will still love them.
They listen to me, I love them
They don't listen to me, I still love them.

If I need to die for them, I will.
If they need me, I will always avail myself for them.
They are my priority. Because, they are God's gifts to me.
Each of them have different temperament and character, but I love them the same.

I love all my sheep dearly.
Even if they hurt me, I will still love them.
I have my limitations and am still imperfect, but I am sincere.
I am sincere towards all of them.

When I was younger, I was taught loving someone is to be vulnerable to them and in that process will risk hurts.
But love is greater than hurts, you see.

You know joy?
Joy is that smile that surfaces when the heartbreaks.
You feel the pain, but the pain is warm.
It's indescribable. It's joy.
=)

I've got the joy, I've got the peace of mind.
I've got the melody...

I love Ada Choi

2007-10-03T05:42:00.000+08:00

I love Ada Choi, she definitely acted well in this show. =))))

Good things ought to be shared

2007-10-01T04:05:00.000+08:00

HEY PEEPS,

sharing with you all my fav songs... hehehehe

2007-09-30T11:12:00.000+08:00

The song

that had been in my head since I woke up....

"Break my heart for what break yours,
everything I have for your kingdom cause.
As I walk from Earth into eternity."

It just keep replaying, I think this is Holy Spirit's reminder.
The kind of heart that God wants, the kind of desire he wants me to have.

It is not what you can see that is powerful, it is in the unseen which is powerful.
Don't just be caught up with material or physical things, remember there is still eternity.

2007-09-24T15:26:00.000+08:00

Accomplished

I had...
-Done my stats
-Emailed Gideon the RC fund stats
-Packed a part of the room
-Confirmed shepherding dates with my sheep(s)
-Planned CG for both NED1 n the Grads
-Signed up for my Keyboard lesson. It had been quite a long rest! Now I am so looking forward to it!
-Practiced on my keyboard and recorded a portion of it. =)

Wah! I feel accomplished. hehe
Next up, I should email focus on the family to express my interest in taking on more NO Apologies workshop.Good money! Then I can use to it to fund my instruments purchase. HEHEHE!

2007-09-20T01:29:00.000+08:00

=)

"Everybody wants to change the world, but no one wants to change themself"

Today I attended DAY 2 of my "NO APOLOGIES WORKSHOP".

I just want to thank God for the little things that happen today that brighten up my otherwise long and tiring day.
-The smile of a baby. Yes she smiled to me, so sweet!
-Sincere affirmation from someone whom I just know. After my sharing of my lifestory, this new friend came up to affirm me. That really encourages me.
-A silly friend who keeps old messages that I send her, so that one day, we can sit down and she can answer them. I was so amuse, yet felt so loved.

2007-09-18T00:59:00.000+08:00

Contemplate

I am glad I made the decision to go to the JUMP concert. I really have gotten much from the the whole session. But I have a bad habit of not jotting my thoughts down. >.<
It was really a very ministering time, but I left the place with a tinge of melancholy.
It's like a melancholy overture playing in mind, dum di dum...

It's just the start of the week, and I am thrown with so many hard questions. I am still looking for an answer... I am in fact looking for many answers.
Prayerful....

As I grow up, I become more mellow.
Actually, I'm not exactly that sanguine either. I am really more shy then outspoken, but I do have firm belief and when I feel that I need to voice them out, I will.
Most people have the misconception that I am a aggressor, a confronter. Actually most of the time I take a mild approach towards things, unless, it really bugs me alot.
When I don't smile, it's not coz I am unfriendly, perhaps, I am thinking, I am tired, or I am scared.

Are you?

2007-09-15T02:05:00.000+08:00

On Hold

When I was younger, God left me several missed call, I was busy, I wanted to do some other things. Then I became older, and I saw the list of missed calls, I tried to call him, but he put me on hold. I got a little impatient, I've got important agendas that I want to go through with him. And I waited, waited, a music played on as I waited, but I was too focused on my agendas to pay attention to it. As time grew, so did frustration. At times, he did answer, but he did not go through the agendas I wanted....

And recently, I learnt, when God put us on hold, we don't have to put the rest of the world around us on hold. Life still goes on. Waiting time, is not wasting time, it's time for preparation, allow the music that played on while holding, to fill our hearts with joy, get intrigue, by the things he place while putting us on hold. God is afterall a practical God. He won't do something without a reason.

The song my heart will sing from time time during the season....

Gonna spend the night packing the room, should be therapeutic. =)

Dunno why, am missing Gorgeous. Shall sms her something later to encourage her. ^^

2007-09-12T02:37:00.000+08:00

Broken Dreams

One of the most devastating thing that can happen is broken dreams. Growing up, I begin to realise many adults grow up to be grumpy, prolly due to the accumulation of many many many unfulfiled dreams. Growing up, I fear, not being able to live my dream. And every year, as I look back, I noted the many unfulfiled things, and I will sigh to myself, "another year wasted."

I ask God about my dreams.
His reply was... "Do you trust me?"
Somehow... that got me thinking. The whole day.
Seriously, I don't have an answer.
But I'm willing to give it a try. My dreams are lofty, but I don't think they are not achievable.

Before I know myself, I must know him.
Instead of looking into myself, I should look towards him.

I remembered a friend said...
"You know I will support you in everything you do ya."

Frankly, I don't demand help from her, but the very fact she has the courage to say this, make me feel very comforted. For I know, she is not someone, who say something for the sake of saying something. She refuse to anyway.

It's comforting to know that, there are people around me, who is with me, in this life journey. Keeping me in their prayers.
Life right now is pretty tough, but I wouldn't have chosen otherwise.
I know my future in God is bright. Didn't he just assured me on sat?

O lord, I want to know you more.

2007-09-11T11:45:00.000+08:00

Piling... piling....

Even though, I always complain about my PDA and how I want get rid of it, but it is actually very essential in my life. I don't know how to live without it. And I sense that it's end is near... >.<

My to do list is piling up...
but last night I made it more interesting.
I colour coded it, and categoriese into different categories, namely personal and ministry.
Somehow, now the list looks pretty now. ^^

Nah, I won't share my to do list here, if not, you people will know the stupid things I'm gonna buy and do... >.< haha!

2007-09-10T03:04:00.000+08:00

My heart....

warms, yesterday in CLM, when eevoon hammy and debbie came up to affirm me. Just the three of them, standing with me, warms my heart. I was pleasantly surprise too when Dung came up to affirm me. Haha, and I do appreciate my CLs who do not have a chance to affirm me >.< I guess at the end of the day, God really knows me best. Know when I needed what and give it to me. I do appreciate Gideon's affirmation too. Really thank God for this leader with such a great gift of mercy, who is able to identify with me and understands my feelings and perspectives. It's rare that I can share with one, without much reservation.

I feel loved.

I am looking forward to my meetup wif deb eevoon and shuping.
Also that one random day, that I will find to do random things wif hammy.
Also Also... eyebrow treading wif Shuyan and... chilling out with Earth... Eileen Seah.
Oh man... there still so many more people whom I wana meet up with.
Hehs.. Chantel is growing to become more relational =)

Oh.. and all my dear ones from NED...

Dear Lord.. I need more than 24hours >.<

2007-09-08T05:50:00.000+08:00

Latest Addictions

Gosh!

and...

http://www.crunchyroll.com/showmedia?id=35657

I am so in love with the theme song =)

2007-09-07T05:14:00.000+08:00

HOW COME?

I haven't even started school yet, and my life is so hectic. Back to back appointments and what nots, I hardly have time to meet up with people! People like seah and shuyan... gosh, it's been ages since I go out with shuyan, and Earth too. But all of us are sooooo busy!
Quote eileen seah, "we are only 19! And we are so busy!"

Well, even as we are busy, I'm learning to manage my time better. I'm learning too, to manage my finace better. Though I know in both areas, I still got much room to improve in. But I'll always remember this principle of keeping the main thing the main thing. Major on the Major.

True to my oxymoronic character, while, I can be a very focus person, I am also easily distracted. Lately, one thing that I am reminded of. is the importance of spending quality time with God. Just like quality sleep, a good quality time spent with God really makes all the difference. I am a chiongster, and a thinker. Let me think more about God, and learn to slow down and experience his presence!

On a lighter note, I had a good time, shopping around town with Karchian today. I enjoy listening to her sharing about her life, I know that this is one person who will journey with me in our walk with God for quite some time. =)

I am happy with my purchases too!
-Comfy stuff from La Senza.
-Mask from Origins.
-Taka Vouchers for my sister.

Will, seems like I spent quite abit, but at least, I finally buy the stuff that I keep wanting to buy. Tmr I'll be picking up my guitar! I am so excited... whee!

2007-09-04T11:39:00.000+08:00

You say it best when you say nothing at all.

Perhaps, you really got nothing to say.
I wished you would have said more. Something anything.
Nothing.

2007-09-04T04:07:00.000+08:00

For your Kingdom Cause.

I snapped, one of guitar string which I borrowed from Uncle Chris. I was feeling very sad as I messaged him about it. His reply was "We talk tmr morning ard 11am ok. dun worry abt broken string." Oh man... so nice! ^^ I am looking forward to having my own guitar soon!

I have decided to forgo my end of the year TOD's treat... coz I am saving up for...

Kurzwell SP88X =) I am ditching that spolit piano, and replacing it with this. hehs!

And a vaio too...
which model? Still don't know yet. Something ultraportable =)

hehs...

2007-09-02T01:11:00.000+08:00

I don't understand.

Today, the sermon is on daniel. He is one bible character whose life fascinates me. The way, he is able to juggle the different aspect in his life. The way, he is so so so so discipline.

I drop by the hawker centre, to pick my brother up. But, my sis told me my mum needs help, so i went to her stall, and begin to do the usual stuff of cleaning up the bowls. Yes, in what I wear for service today. It felt rather uncomfortable, but I didn't mind, I just helped. But, as I helped to wash up the stuff, she started scolding me. You know, I felt pretty unjustified. Saturday is suppose to be my off day, and I helped. For a moment I didn't understand. I didn't understand why I need to be the scapegoat for my younger siblings who refuse to help her. I didn't understand, why I'm given a ministry that is so hectic, I almost could not juggle.

Yet, even when I don't understand, I obeyed. I did not talk back to my mum. I did what I need to do quietly. I forgot to buy moisturisers, my hands felt so dry, they feel as if they are cracking. For a moment, I didn't understand why, my ministry had been so harsh on me.

I had an argument with my lil brother. He don't seem to understand our situation, or my situation. I don't demand his understanding, I just want him to know how to look out for himself. It was an exasperated conversation. I could not get my message across. I meant well. He don't get it.

When I reach home, I wrote a email to a dear friend to tell her, how happy I was for her. Didn't the bible say, he who refreshes others will himself be refresh? I think I am. Well, I love her what. =)

As I sat down, thinking about the things I don't understand. I begin to understand.

Didn't I pray to God, that I can feel the things he feel?
And in the circumstances where I didn't understand, all the more I seek after him. While I didn't understand, Jesus was with me.
When I obey without full understanding, he is please with me.

=)

2007-09-01T04:18:00.000+08:00

The perfectionist

I am a perfectionist at heart.
A slop in practice.

I urghs me, when things are not done properly, promptly.
Often times, I get irritated by the physical limitations that slows down progress.

I get irritated with myself at times, often times, many times.
URGH.

The tension between the two, drives me crazy at times. Rah.

2007-08-30T16:44:00.000+08:00

The greatest love.

I enjoyed a wonderful fellowship with two of my closest friends yesterday. Thank you for standing by me despite your tight schedules the next day ^^. It was one whole night of good time spent! ^^

I teared abit, sharing about someone whom I felt very burden for. I felt simply helpless. And a timely reminder warms my heart a bit.

He says, "don't you feel that, your burdens are uncalled for? Only Jesus is the saviour, you are not. Sometimes, you need to let go and let God."

Hammy told me the same things, several times in my life.

So did....Jesus.

The people around me says, go to him.
Jesus says, come to me.

It just dawn upon me, the greatest act of love that someone had on me, was letting me go, and letting God nurture me and help me.

I know, you had prayed for me.
I would pray for them too.

God is love. =)

2007-08-24T23:45:00.000+08:00

Answered Prayer.

At some point of my adolescent years...
I thought to myself...
one day, I want to help screw up kids, get their life back on tracks.

I believe... God had heard me.
As usual.
Seriously, he is neither deaf nor believe in ear muffs..

2007-08-24T12:54:00.001+08:00

Spiderman!

I'll marry someone like that! Haha

2007-08-24T03:52:00.000+08:00

My muse...

inspires me totally.

*loves* =)

2007-08-23T00:51:00.000+08:00

Good day!

I had a good day today.
Work was pretty fine...with good breakfast.
Caregroup is fun with the grads girls!! ^^

Well, the real treat comes in while I was shopping around town before I meet Gideon.

Thanks dear for the gift card! Comes in very timely, bought some books and also my long desired Micheal buble CD. ^^ Some tops from TOPSHOP and a $10 voucher for my next shopping trip, oh man! God is really good. Hence, I went to meet Gideon all radiant and beaming, not to mention super NICE! Ah wells...I'm going back to borders to get more books, really need to enrich myself! So, if you wana bless me, please bless me with Borders gift cards...hehe..

Just wana end this post with....

Chanel 2.55

I never thought that there would be a day that I will be attract to it.
But you see, I'm a sucker for classics and vintage.
I definitely prefer Coco Chanel to Karl Lagerfeld.
I like Chanel's practical and no nonsense approach towards fashion.
Understated glamour =)
I'm just seeing this all over the place....I am really loving it =)

He says, "You are someone who enjoys luxury, but you are ok without it. Say you marry rich husband and he suddenly goes poor, you will still stand by him and go through hardship with him. You value human relationship more than luxury."

Yes, I agree.
Well, the best luxury is found in relationships =)

2007-08-22T03:54:00.000+08:00

I'm a beautiful girl =)

2007-08-21T05:13:00.000+08:00

^-^

God is good to her in many many ways.
He blessed her with a bible when she needs it.
He blessed her with an unexpected borders gift voucher.
He always provided for her in many ways, so that she's never really in need.

She learnt that weaning is not easy.
Perhaps, she had weaned too prematurely, prefering milo to milk. Ditching the pacifiers at a very young age. When she had it all, it was easy to let go, but when she grows up, she suddenly realise, she likes to hold on.
She tried to hold on to daddy, but he too was gone.
So were the many others.
The ones whom she made them cry. All gone.

There is a part in her, that whimpers when a voice go, "uh-uh... sorry, you have forfeited your chance and now it's too late."

If I miss a train, I'll be late, I can catch the next one.
If I miss a meal, I will only be hungry, there is always the next meal.
If I miss a chance, I don't know when it will be given to me again, perhaps never.
If I miss you, probably coz I didn't see you, never again.

*Just let me live in the shadow of your beauty. She's used being under your shadow, she doesn't know how to fly.

2007-08-20T04:39:00.000+08:00

Running

The song that's on repeat in my PDA, in my mind.

Possibilities, anything is possible, so long as God wills it. The resources that he has to offer is limitless, however it is our human wilfulness that stop us from receiving the full amount.
Like many out there, there are times, that I don't want to read the bible even though I know I should, coz I don't want to know what he wants to say. Then I would keep asking him to speak to me, only to subconciously block out my ears. Then I venture in my own ways, to find that it's futile.
When I come back to him, running after him....
I realise that only he, is "my joy and my song."

I will press on. Press on.

2007-08-18T04:32:00.000+08:00

Just a little something.

I am quite a protective spiritual parent.
Like all good parents, I am antagonistic towards my "children" mixing with bad company.
They say, "mix with the pigs and smell like the pigs"
My girls, are good girls, suppose to smell nice nice can?

Alrights... and so... I've been feeling *note* feeling, means I cannot control one right.... ya I had been feeling rather down, a little angsty, and so I decided to look to some positive things to help me avert all the negativities...

Lo and behold...

reading here and there, I chance upon a super old encouragement message from hammy chong.
what struck me was "when your shoulders feel lighter, you can soar higher"
She signed off with.. " o.-"
How cute?
When I was a younger believer I often get irritated by the way she handle things in such a nonchalant manner. I guess, not that she didn't care, but she found peace in God. Still, nowadays, she is always more non chalant than me. But I know she care, OK?

God had been good to me to surround me with wonderful people!
I enjoyed the the company of....
Eevoon on mon, it was impromtu, nonetheless fruitful =)
Gideon and Debbie on tues, we went shopping for Rachel's bday stuff!
Shirls Gideon Deb and Rachel on wed! We celebrated her birthday!
Friday's meet up with Uncle Chris is also a wonderful one, he specially tailored a bible study for me! Hehs. It's really nice having him, assured me that he will give me full support and provide me with every resource that I need...

Now... now... God.
I need to pray and seek more.

2007-08-15T05:01:00.000+08:00

Hi and goodbye

I always remembered your exasperated: " Do you get it?"
Me trying very hard... frowning a little: "YAH."

I think, you thought that I didn't get it.
But I think, I really do.
But I pretend I don't.
I like the way, the frown softens to a smile.
I like that sparkle in your eyes.
Yet, it fails to shine, each time we met.

"Hi And Goodbye"

I see you walking down the street
I catch your eye before we meet
But you look down to check your feet
I wish I'd say are you okay?
You're looking better everyday
But I just smile and walk away
Why did two lovers
End up like strangers
When did we stop seeing eye to eye

[CHORUS]
Everyday you took my breath away
But now theres no reply
Only hi, goodbye
Like a dream come true
When it was me and you
Now I just don't know why
We say hi and
Hi and goodbye
(Hi and goodbye)

I know it sounds like a cliche
But when I pass our old cafe
It always feels like yesterday (like yesterday)
We shared a blanket in the cold
To give a promise made of gold
We had a deal through heart and soul
Why did two lovers
End up like strangers
When did we stop seeing eye to eye

[CHORUS]

I remember the way
We always had words to say
And nothing could tear us apart
I knew you by heart
We were eye to eye
Now we're only hi and goodbye
(Hi and goodbye)

[CHORUS x2]

Hi and goodbye (goodbye)
Hi and goodbye
Hi and goodbye (ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh)
Hi and goodbye (goodbye)

2007-08-11T04:33:00.001+08:00

Romancing him.

It's like a love hate relationship.
Perhaps, coz the feminine mind is often fickled, easy tempted.
And the masculine mind is possesive, jealous.
It's like a Tug O War.
Feels like we are quarreling.
We argue alot, don't we?
And we take turns to walk away.
We tried to kill each other with our silences.
I guess you have the upper hand, you know more than I do.

Now, love, can we stop all this?
I don't like the way things are right now.

You know I love you.
Perhaps you think it's not enough.
Perhaps it's really not enough.
Alrights... you love me more.
You win.

2007-08-10T04:19:00.000+08:00

Draw me close to you

You know, each day, I need to deal with pressures from so many different arenas, it got me disoriented at times. I'm often in a daze, or it seems that I'm in a daze, because, I am thinking. I am constantly thinking. Sometimes, I prefer to think then to talk. In fact, I hate talking, coz it seems like the more I talk, the more wrong stuff will come out of my mouth.

Often times, I really feel as if nothing good comes out of my mouth, nothing good went in either. Too much junk food had made me fat.
Few people around me had kindly reminded me to lose weight.
Yes, I need to watch my weight.

You see, so many things had happened recently. I shared it to some, I still have not shared it to others yet. Truth is, I don't really want to share. I'm a little tired. It seems, as if, testing keep coming, even before one ends, there comes another. I find myself having to adapt to sudden changes very frequently.

Sometimes, I feel that I'm not good enough.

I'm not good enough, I don't even dare to pursue dreams. I am neither here nor there. I will always remember, how exasperated I feel, each time after I met hammy and we would talk about my Uni plans. I never know, what I really wanted. Gideon always ask me to listen to my heart. Hammy says, I ought to be more single minded. Shirls reminded me that even as I give my best for my ministry, I need to set a deadline for my studies.

And the Lord says...
"I will bless you with a future filled with hope--a future of success, not of suffering."Jer 29:11 (CEV)
"Commit to the LORD whatever you do,
and your plans will succeed. "Proverbs 16:3
"In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9

The best counsel comes from the holy spirit.
The best way to find is to seek actively.
The best way to ask, is to pray.
Prayer and Patience.

I know I am not good enough, but God is more than enough for me. He will make me good, very good.

2007-08-09T03:08:00.000+08:00

What's UP!

Recently, I had been busy, but I realise in a rather ineffective fashion. Guess what? I'm gonna be even busier! But I'm glad, God took some things out of my life, so that I learn to be more holistic. Subconciously I had been stuck to a comfortable routine, time for a change! Yes yes...Chantel needs to be more effective! Seriously, I am very excited for what is to come. =)

And.... Chantel thinks that...

Chloe's Myrte Sunglasses is pretty =) Check it out.....

I'm still addicted to Time after Time by Eva Cassidy

2007-08-08T22:08:00.000+08:00

Be strong.

Be very strong.

It's work, ministry and family. It ain't easy. But with God all things are possible.

Didn't I pray for a miracle?

I encourage one friend recently with this phrase, "keeping smiling, keep shining"

Think I need it now.

Guess what? I accidentally gave away my bible, which I later realise was a birthday gift from the old Jc grp. >.<
I just realise the second gift I received from the JC group is also a bible. =.=
Yes people, my brown cover bible is officially gone.
Any kind soul wana bless me with a new bible? A portable one?

2007-08-07T03:17:00.000+08:00

Parents

As a child I'm rather pampered. I love the attention that my father gives me. So when I sleep, well, sometimes I pretend to sleep... I will kick my blanket away, so that he will put it back for me again. Deep down our hearts, don't we all yearn to be care for and love for?

While dad was gone...along the way God sent many to care for me. Oh of which is a particular shepherd in my life, who really cares for me, like a parent does.

I was listening to this song " I will pray" and I'm reminded of her. While I was still her sheep, I'm like a spiritual infant knowing nothing, still very "innocent" to God's ways and God's love. My life was primary self centered. Only knowing how to cry out for my own needs to be met. She is patient to meet my needs, because of that I became vulnerable to her. I remembered in one worship, as we were worshipping with this song, I will pray, I saw her kneeling down, and as she stood up she was tearing, crying actually. Why? Because she felt a strong burden, for the people, the non believers. I was amazed by this. I was amaze by this relationship she has with God, and I make a mental note that "wah, I want to be like that too."
Monkey see, Monkey do. I knelt down and prayed for compassion for people. I have none back then.

You see, as a spiritual parent, this is the kind of thing you can do, to your sheep.

I remember yet another shepherd, who really took the effort to tolerate me, and love me. She understands my sighs and my "pretension". She always make me feel cherish and loved. Koh Ee Voon, for every little thing that you do for me, I really appreciate it much. It surprised me every now and then that you can so accurately guess my thoughts, haha... even though at times I refuse to admit it >.<
You are someone whom I can trust. =)

Yet another shepherd. She never fails to encourage me, to cheer me on. Sometimes I feel as if I haven't love her enough! She is such a strong pillar in my life. Our love hate relationship is one of it's kind. Of which I know she loves me more. And I am very privilegde to see the many faces of you =)

Now, my Chief shepherd in heaven, is a tender loving father. The one whom I know, who holds my future and holds my hand. My earthly shepherds are able to love me, because he first love them. I can love the people around me, also because he first love me. It's good to be a "blur" sheep when you know that you have such a strong leader with you. With all this shepherds in my life, my life feels safe =)

Hammy says: You know I will support you in everything you do ya?
Eevoon says: God showed me miracles in your life.
Debbie says: I kinda miss talking to you!
Jesus says: Never will I leave you, Never will I forsake.

*Lord, your grace still amazes me.

2007-08-06T13:16:00.000+08:00

Maturity.

Recently, I learnt much about maturity. God is simply a really deep God. Help me to think deeper each time something happen and I seek him. I've learnt to be patient and prayerful rather than jumping into conclusion. Given my choleric and melancholy nature, it's much easier for me to very quickly dwell in negativities. But security in God had really change me quite abit... and each time I decide to trust in God, he never fails to be faithful. And the amazing thing is, even times when I am unfaithful, God is still faithful. Not just this, but I also see how God is faithful to those we are faithful to him! There's always the ongoing battle against this negativites, if such battles burns calories, I would have been an 8. Speaking of which, I am skipping gym today! again. Rahs.. I think I shall go for a jog after I meet Gideon...

Going independent in my finances had made me learnt not to squander so much. ayes. Seriously, earning money is not easy. But I learnt to be less pampered and spend more wisely. I remember how Shirls shoved me away from a shop to stop me from buying implusively >.<
I really buy alot of useless things =.= I have always wondered why, finances seems to get ever tighter and tighter since I know God, but I guess it really helps met to understand not to take things frm granted. That itself is maturity. Aint it? haha

I was talking to Rachel Fong on Sat night. It was a long chat and I really enjoy it. We shared our hearts out and convictions. There's something different when talking to someone who walks closely with God and someone who don't. It's not a age thing but maturity. She commented that when I first come to church, my leaders never thought I was the "potential" one, it seems like I just wana come here and have fun. Haha.... I guess that's quite true. I gave many many problems to my shepherds then. I think the worst must be huishi and hammy. hahaha. Recently in a card Eevoon gave me, she wrote that she is very amazed by the miracles God had done in my life.

Wah.. note the word miracle.

Me, myself was one a terror. ^^

So, let's all jiayou in being good spiritual parents, never giving up on our sheep. For you never who they can be next time. =)

*NED 100

2007-08-05T01:59:00.000+08:00

Lifestyle of evangelism

After yet another late night chilling with rachel fong, I had interesting cab ride home. Now, normally I am not a very talkative person in a cab, but perhaps, coz it's late who guess what, I begin this conversation with the cabby...

Cabby: What you do for a living
Me: I taking a study break now
Cabby: still schooling?
Me don't bother to explain. I explain too many times.
Cabby: So are you into the casino games?
Me: Uh... I don't play those stuff. (Dunno why, I decided to add in) I am a Christian.
Cabby: Can earn money you know?
Me: Well, can also earn from investment
Cabby: Gambling also investment
Me: It's many people hard earn money. Casinos prolly earn more than bank
Cabby: That's true
Me: I believe that is a way to make money with consicence
Cabby: Conscience? So you goin church tmr?
Me: Nope I went today, I go to a youth church
Cabby: The church only for you?
Me: For young people =.=

Cabby: Do you see Jesus Christ face to face
Me: uh... not really, I heard of such stories...
Cabby: One strange morning, I pick up two different ladies in two different location and they told me they saw Jesus Christ face to face.
Me: Oh so how you feel?
Cabby: I think maybe Jesus is trying to tell me something
Me: So what you do?
Cabby: I try to go to Catholic church
Me:why catholic?
Cabby: I was born a Catholic...

Anyway... the conversation just went on quite abit. Unfortunately, we reach my house before I can share more about the Christian church.
But I'm glad that, I've gotten a taste of what it means to live a lifestyle of evangelism. Grabbing every chance to share Christ. =)

2007-08-04T03:49:00.000+08:00

Rojak

Both my real and virtual desktop are like rojak.

In the studyroom...

I have a stack of unread books ranging from leadership books, christian lit, to pyschopath thriller.

Magazines all stacked up...

Virtually, I too have many unread stuff...

Rickwarren's newletter.... Elle.com updates...

Reading....reading... reading...

Still I stole time to randomly look and see and i come across this

And so I say, chantel like DKNY. =) It's ever so chic.

2007-08-01T00:26:00.000+08:00

Time after Time

"If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time
Time after time"
-Eva Cassidy, Time after Time

I could feel him singing this...

They often say God is desperate for us.
I believe so.
"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
Don't it sound like those lines from dramas, will the girl will tell the guy, if you really want to find me you can find me.

He is desperate for us, that's why he expects us to be desperate for him. We are after all made in his image.

Haven't heard of the phrase, "Desperate people, cling on to desperate people." hahs...

If he is so desperate for you, wouldn't be the union between two, so intense, so passionate and beautiful?

Now, worship is about desperateness. If there is no intention to be desperate in seeking, then no point in worship.

2007-07-31T05:37:00.000+08:00

Few observations

Observation #1
Leadership, at it most fundamental is influence. Hence when you allow yourself to be influence by someone (something), you are one way or another under their leadership. It could be as subtle as heading for AN advice, or screaming together when you don't feel like but the person just did it (AT THE WRONG TIME). Leadership without character is a MENACE. Look at Hitler. Hence the next time you decide to go for advice or even choosing to mix around, perhaps, you wana think through if this person is of sound mind. Sound mind, don't just include intellectual sanity, but having some form of wisdom.

Observation #2
In any case, birds of the same feathers flock together.
Desperate people will cling on to each other.
However, when you are meant to be bird of a different breed, forcing yourself to flock with the rest will only make you stick out like a sore thumb.
And guess what, chances are, your flock with different feathers has already been talking much about you, BEHIND YOUR BACK.

Observation #3
Wisdom and speed often times don't really come hand in hand. Alot of immediate reaction, immediate as in 3seconds after something have happen is simply reflex. Some with deep waters are able to react rationally with poise. Others, simply shoot things of their mouth. And that reflects the amount of junk stored deep within that very empty soul. Actually not so empty, since it's already filled with junk. DUH.

Observation #4
Dealing with the aestheticsof physical apperance is often a dangerous thing. Especially one decide to be so ahead of time. Do it right you are fashion forward, do it wrong you are simply a joke. If karl lagerfeld get in wrong at times. I guess I'll learn to have grace on the few whom I saw recently, making their fashion statement inspired from "Journey to the West".

Observation #5
I am a introvert.
An introspect and a retrospect.
I spend many parts of the day, thinking and evaluating the things I have done. What does that imply? Should I make a boo boo, I will spend many many days cringing over it. Should there be a mistake done, I will spend more than once repenting over it.
And...
chances are you will catch me smiling at myself. =)
coz I am laughing at you.
haha!

Observation #6
My grammar is abysmal
Since my primary school days, despite relatively high English grades, my grammar SUCKS.
The few times when essays get super high marks were the time, when teachers don't mark me on my grammar.
Hence I strongly suspect, my downfall in A levels(or any cambridge exams) could very well be due to my bad grammar.
Yet I recognise that this could be an essential part of God creating me to be uniquely oxymoronic.

I like things to be nice and neat, but have no gift of adminstration to organise them.
I like sports but often too lazy to move
I read fashion mags and checkout runways, but my I prefer to be more understated when it comes to dressing, in layman terms, I am very boring.
I love language and according to my teachers writes pretty well, but my grammar SUCKS.
of coz the list above is not exhaustive but I believe, I made my point. =)

2007-07-28T04:09:00.000+08:00

No longer a girl

One of the best gifts I have received for my birthday is a book given by 3 rather important ladies in my life. They each had played a different role in helping me grow, intricately place by God in different phase of my life. I must say that this book has come rather timely =)
Well, nothing to be surprise, since they kinda have known me inside out....perhaps? haha...

19, 20, 21.... more than mere numbers, it just dawn upon me how I am really moving on from adolenence to adulthood. No longer a girl. Gone are the days of crazy screaming...aimlesss splurging on whatnots. I need to start consider carefully my future paths. I have to stop being wilful and playful and start settling down on something. Like how, hammy aptly put in yesterday, " This one too mah fan, that one too difficult, then what you want?"

Holiday had long ended the moment I receive my A level result. The study break right now is a period of preparation before my tiertiary education starts. Today, shirls ask me, "So how? (what are my plans for tiertiary education). My reply was "hmm....stilll thinking...should be SIM.." well she gave some good suggestion which I did thought through before. Well, need a further praying and reading up, before I really decide on it.

Well, that's pretty much the head part, planning and stuff. For the heart part, God really grew me much. From being more gracious to weaning. I begin to enjoy the growing process, while it's not easy having gone through numerous emotional upheaval, disappointments and such. But God never fails to come in at the end of the day to round things up.
If there's one thing I really want to thank God for, it's his grace.
Grace is indeed beautiful.

I am maturing, and I am aware of it, well thankfully.

I had a very heartfelt conversation with small rachel today,
"this person is really very important to you."
"yeah"
"if this person were to leave God one day, what will you do?"
"I willl feel very sad, but I will not leave God, coz God is still real."
"That's good."

On my way back, I recalled a similar conversation with another person some time back. Let's call her A
me: "I'm rather sound minded, and matter of fact, I've come to a point that, should someone close to me, be it a family member were to pass away, as long as materially I am still well provided, I will not be too affected by this person's death."

A: "Ic... reallly? So if it's XXX?

I didn't say anything. I forgot my reply to her.

But deep down my heart, the inner child in me says...
"Don't want. Cannot."

2007-07-27T03:02:00.000+08:00

I'm tired...

just a little tired.

I had a long day. Sakae with Gideon, we went through many ministry stuff. Alot of my personal life too. If there's one word he keep using, I would say, it's "Mature". Well at times I don't feel very mature, you got no idea what kind of rubbish goes in my head every now and then....perhaps some closer ones will know. I made so many boo boo to find myself cringing at the end of the day. In a way, I really admire Gideon's dedication in the thing that he does. I am very bless to have him as a leader. He is almost like a father to me. HEHE.

After that, meet up wif Hammy briefly, it's one of those days where I didn't rant or talk much. The thing I like about going out with hammy is that, I can not talk alot. It was a simple shopping trip, from Tangs to Topshop and lastly stopping by wisma's starbucks. I don't know why, but I just enjoy spending time with her. =)

Before my day starts in town, as I was on the bus, I did my usual pondering, and I can't help it but to tell God, "Your grace, amazes me."
Grace.

Grace helps us to not get angry so easily, and not to be so diappointed so easily.

*Do you love me? yea you do. yes i know.

2007-07-25T00:11:00.000+08:00

2 persons and a glass of milk

You and me, a glass of milk.
Smiles and warmth while the milk was hot.
Days went by the milk has gone cold
So cold, like your hands and stares.

I thought, my glass of milk could bring you warmth.
You never drank it, but held it in your hands.
Now, it's too late, the milk has gone cold.
Of coz, it's too cold to sour, well just cold.

2007-07-20T04:01:00.000+08:00

Finding love...

at all the wrong places.

Pity.

"I woke up this morning feeling kind of blue
and I stumbled out of bed and
dragged my feet across the room
Right outside my front door was a rose
and a note that said 'Somebody Loves You'"

That was exactly how I feel in the morning. God had drop a note in my heart that he loves me, and that gave me the strength to go through the day.

I had an early morning, going to DEYI to do invitation before their morning assembly. On my way home the bus past by serangoon and I decided to bless Shirls and Hammy with apples. I left them outside their house. Satisfied, I headed home. I took a nap, was woken up by phone vibration, it's Hammy Chong, at first I couldn't recognise her voice, I was very blur. Even though she irritated me with that phone call, I am glad to hear that voice, to know that she is alright. That's hammy, she's never really "nice" to me, aye I take that as a form of endearment. Bickering with her is always fun. I couldn't quite understand this love hate relationship, how we drive each other crazy at times, but I believe, because of this, each one of us, have grown deeper in God's love. Hurs.

Hammy Chong, remember to take care!

Oh..hope that my shepherd is feeling better from her flu, haven been talking to her...hmm....

2007-07-19T13:59:00.000+08:00

Jazz it up....

Listening: Micheal Buble - Me and Mrs Jones.

Something about Micheal Buble, so charming. I know Eileen will agree. Ya...something about him... hmmm....

"Me and Mrs ....Mrs Jones....."

Oh and thank God for you tube..... =) *head bobbing* hehs...

2007-07-18T23:26:00.000+08:00

Fashion Babylon

Admist hectic schedules, my latest soul treat is "IMOGEN EDWARDS-JONES' Fashion Babylon". Well as much as it's trash read, it's good trash you know? Haha... it gives a insider view into the fashion world through the eyes of a fictional designer. I love the way that, there are so many familar names in the book, and it really intrigues me much, for unlike other fiction where u need to put a face to the characters, this one, actually have got one of it own. Then again, to put a face to characters is definitely a liberty, yet, being me, my characters faces, do change from time to time, duh, i'm not talking about facial expressions here.

2007-07-18T03:51:00.000+08:00

How to save a life.

"I would stay up with you all night, had I know how to save a life."

The lost time and lost lives, mistakes so grave, I could not afford to pay.

Tonight, I resoluted that, certain things in life, I need not chase. Perhaps I already own it, just not in a way I thought I would, or would have desired.

Sometimes, it's better to turn yearnings to appreciation. That way, we will become less tired. I stop chasing. It's meaningless...

Oh...if you're wondering, I'm not refering to material things. =)

2007-07-16T03:51:00.000+08:00

Nights...

Nights often bring nostlagia, the cool breeze, the quiet surroundings. I walked home tonight with much thoughts. The night was cool, yet tasted a tad bitter, a little like beer. The way, it's cool yet a little bitter, reminds me of hoegaarden, of which it's been long since I last had one. Mum often says that, people drink beer after a whole day of work to cool down their body. I like my beer, chilled. ^^

Tonight, I miss several things.
I miss dad. The times that I can hide behind him when I'm frighten. The times he would drive me to eat supper. The many mornings I would wake him up just to bring me to eat the very delicious porridge. The times that I cry and whine to get my way. I miss his voice too, the way he laugh so heartily, the way he sings, and we would sing together. The way he would hold my hand and we will walk together, his hand always so big and warm....and he is always proud of me...

I miss mugging with abe laboriel on my mp3 at forum macs. I should've picked up that habit earlier. Mugging on it's own, is a very thereapeutic experience...perhaps, like my CT said, it came a little too late...

I miss making hammy chong angry when I misbehave, how she tried so hard to lure me to school. Coz the look on her face is one of a kind. Or shoud I say priceless...

However, as I'm growing up, this are the things that I'm moving on from. They have become has beens and I need to move on to other things. Pursuing new dreams.... I had prayed for a clearer direction and calling....and now, it's time to listen more to the heart...and to Him of coz...

I wonder, how HE looks like, when I make him angry. Does he ever frown at me or clap for me?

Debbie Chong claps for me, and it encourages me.

2007-07-14T00:48:00.000+08:00

Expectations

I heard many people tell me different things about expectations. Recently I've grown so much, learn so much in adjusting expectations.
Try adjusting your expectations, and you will be surprise that you become less disappointed. For at the end of the day, who's who to be obligated for who?
Expectation comes from perspective, perspective comes from attitude.

Tonight, I felt misunderstood.
How could it be that I try to give my best, yet receive harsh words and doubts.
How could it be that I give my heart, only to have it left at one side, neglected.

No, I'm not exactly discourage, I'm human too. I have emotions.
But guess what, my cause is much greater than all this.
I could not afford such things.

I have a great night with LC taking crazy pictures. More on my bdae celebration after all is done. =) hehs

2007-07-13T03:47:00.000+08:00

Turning Nineteen

Listening: paradise live - assuredly yours

While, 19 is not the kinda milestone age like 18 or 21 or 30, I approach this age with much trembling and fear. I remembered, teasing hammy when she was my shepherd that she is SOOOOOOO OLD....she was 19 then, if she feels the same as I do right now, she prolly felt a tad unjustified. Actually how should a 19year old feel like or even dress like? I'm just making bouts of discovery each day, as I look back at different phases, I find myself beginning to understand chantel more.

Birthday present came extremely early this year. Way before the actual day of the birthday. The giver is none another then my daddy in heaven. Through some of the people who are closest and dearest to me, I learnt a new lesson of LOVE. Of what love entails. Courage, grace, patient, security, unconditional. My maker gave me a part of his heart, and slide in into the hole that was once wounded. Time don't heal wounds, Jesus does. Love doesn't change even as the person change. Love will only grow deeper as understanding grows. A renewed and restored heart, is a heart ready to love. "Love keeps no record of wrongs."

Of coz that is not all, he sent love in a very tangible manner. Thank God for Jon Tay, Kaiwen, Debbie and Gideon for coming all the way to my workplace to give me a surprise AT 12AM++ I really really appreciate it loads. Perhaps, coz I don't really expect it to happen, I am actually very touch by such a gesture.

Thank you for loving me.

And those we had smsed well wishes....

=)

2007-07-12T15:24:00.000+08:00

A Lazy afternoon post.

A few changes in plans, I get to stay at home for a lil while , a taste of lazy afternoon. However this is short lived, will be outta the house again. Open RC door for JC dudes, now... should I go to gym after that?

Met up with Gideon this morning, breakfast was on him,
"You like to read right? I have 3chapters on SATIRE to pass to read."
"hmm... yah..."

Haha... btw, SATIRE is a counselling method.

I've been thinking about some stuff lately....
I realise that, even as 2 inviduals where to share a common interest, perhaps taste in music or materials...
it need not imply that they can connect at the same wavelength.

Just an observation.

I get a little tired of political correctedness. I felt as if my free spirit had been shackled.
Now define free spirit?

2007-07-11T11:24:00.000+08:00

Eye Candies!

Good morning! Sharing with you guys some eye candies! Whee... Styles I really love....=)

Bar Refaeli =)

Straight from streets of NYC...

Hmmm.... I need to start exchanging fried chicken wings with Granola bar....

and start going to the gym ='(

2007-07-11T04:07:00.000+08:00

Mummy's Birthday!

Today, (technically is yesterday), is my MUM's birthday. My sis and I, got her a TIRAMISU birthday cake and Anna Sui's sweet dreams. =) I think she is very happy. hurhur. For past years, we just leave the pressies on the table and go to sleep. There's perhaps a breakthrough this year. We celebrated in the hawker centre! HEHE... I think, for a long time, mummy hadn't blown a candle on a birthday cake, and had so many people say happy birthday to her.

Somehow I'm proud of what I did today. =)

Daddy in heaven, are you smiling?

2007-07-09T12:57:00.000+08:00

It's a growing process.

It's a growing process, that's what Gideon sumed up everything that I am going through at the current moment. I'm at a stage, where I am getting in touch with my inner self.

What's next after growing process?, I asked.

"God has a reason for this growing process.... possibly preparing you for something...."

Somehow the whole idea of me, landing in somewhere at the end of this, motivates me to strive on. I'm someone who needs a destination. That's why I find God.

Seriously, I can't club until I die right? HUR HUR....

2007-07-08T01:22:00.000+08:00

Good company

Nights out with Eileen Seah is often therapeutic, fun filled and CRAZY.
Yes at the rate we are cabbing home, she can drive me home next time.
Thank God for such a great friend.
So unique, we sighed at the same time, groaned at the same time.....wahahaha....
I am very amuse by this friendship. =)

Conversations with Hammy Chong is often refreshing, the way she is never "polite" with me, yet at the same time, I know that she is speaking in love. I really gotten much from her. Hehs.
=)

2007-07-06T09:15:00.000+08:00

Fall 2007 Haute Couture

I've been so busy lately, I so totally neglected my livejournal account. Upon logging in, I'm reminded that Fall 07 haute couture is here...

I've always love Chanel for their clean lines....
however, I know that when it comes to Haute Couture, it's really more about details and being avant-garde

however...

hmmm....

somehow it reminds me of the article on Classified that says, "Lost swan, found with reward"

=.=

And we say that, sometimes, less is more =)

more to come when I get the time to view other shows... off to serious stuff now.

2007-07-05T21:41:00.000+08:00

Ever Wondered...

What goes in and outta Chantel's mind every now and then? Let's peek into it....
Here's THE List,

every now then when she's alone, she talk alot to herself you see...

she will be

redrawing her budget, shocking herself by caculating things like, one set of straits times cost 80cents, 10 days of that will be $8, if she were to spend $2 on transport fee in a day, 10 days would cost a whopping $20, and often times, transport fee does go beyond $2. The food budget always exceed the pre-set amount.
reminding herself of the list of things to be done, but never done. Things like getting a hair cut, getting new phone, new books, T-shirts from Zara....
wondering when she can pick up Classical piano, should she fix the current piano or get a new one... questioning herself, if she wants to pick up jazz? dance?
thinking about theatre, and make silly faces >.<
going through a whole mental image of different brands of guitar, art and lutherie, simon and patrick or takamine? Below $500, $800 or $1000?
Phones to get? O2 or Lg shine? or some cheap phone?
Asethetics? or Economics?

Of coz... this are just the tip of the iceberg...

Seriously, anyone want to catch Dim Sum Dollies with me?????

I must ask Shirls when she comes back >.<

2007-07-05T12:09:00.000+08:00

Spiritual Puberty

I meet up with Gideon yesterday to do our usual ministry discussion and update of my life. I shared with him, my struggles and my conflicts.
And his response was that, from my sharing, he can tell i am a "D". haha.
He asked me sharp questions, like, am I able to appreciate the talents that God had given me, and the ministry that he had given me?

There was a part of me that sank, when my music teacher went "awww... please can back soon ya" as I told her I am taking a break from my lessons. Aww... that's what I feel too.

So, as Gideon ask me that question, my answer is without a doubt, yes. I appreciate what God had called me to do at the moment, and I am determine to give him my best. Yet, at the same time, I am confident in God's providence in my life, that as I "delight in him, he will give me the desires of my heart." Afterall ,aint' this desires planted by him?

The bottomline, yes the bottomline is, everything that I do is the to seek to grow his kingdom.

Gideon was being =.=, when he said, haha...so much for going through puberty now at this age.
Diaos.

Spiritual puberty.... hmmm......

I am indeed growing up, now all i need to do is to find out really what is my life vision and calling... so that I can *ahem* I shall not say, or Debbie will smack me *winkz*

2007-07-04T11:43:00.000+08:00

Kissing a fool

The song that is running on repeat....

*Loves* =)

2007-07-01T20:50:00.000+08:00

Caught up

This I went through, 3cg worships, 1prayer meeting worship. Seems like, I have been having corporate worship almost everyday of the week. The routine will follow again this week, visiting three caregroups.... I am really looking forward to a spiritual retreat on Monday, weekday in Esplanade will always be thereapeutic.

One phrase that really struck me is, "caught up" , during one of the CG worship, should be the grad's girls one. Often time, our heart is simply so caught up with things, things like emotions, memories, materialism, so many thousand and one things. Yet how often are we caught up with God's heartbeat and love? I'm learning too, to be caught with his love, his holiness. To feel overwhelmed by such a huge intensity of Godliness, surely it's a battle against the carnal nature, yet victory in God, often taste so sweet, will be defintely worth the fight.

It's had been a week, of which I felt caught up with some stuff....
Coming I will be caught up with his love.

2007-06-26T10:13:00.000+08:00

Chantel Heart TOD's & Anoraks =)

Italy, is not just about Hot Italians and Pizzas... pastas...
Milan... is about TOD's and Chloe. =)
Absolutely in Love with TOD's and Derek Lam.

I like it that everything is so simple, looks comfy too.

Perhaps... getting a bag from TOD's when this busy season ends? Perhaps!

Oh... and Marni Anoraks... for viewing pleasure only. Unfortunately

2007-06-24T03:40:00.000+08:00

The more I seek you

Listening: Christ for the nations institute - the more I seek you

I was locked out of my house today, coz I had forgoten that my brother had my house keys. While waiting for help to come, I plugged on my PDA, and was instantly captivated by this song that I'm listening right now. As I listened on, i can't help it but to make it my prayer. As I stood there waiting, I prayed, and as if HE heard me, HE had blessed me with a constant breeze, making his presence ever so tangible.

The More I seek You
The More I find you
the more I find you
The more I love you

I want to sit at you feet
drink from the cup in your hands
lay back against you and breath
feel your heartbeat
this love is so deep
it's more than I can stand
I melt in your peace
it's overwhelming

Good vocals, amazing keys,
what can I say? Simply captivating...

*What fails to captivate your heart, will eventually fade away from you.

2007-06-22T23:34:00.000+08:00

Perturbed.

Perturbed,
A mélange of emotions
cascading from her heart.

Tears of joy, pain...
Faces without names.

Perturbed, simply, perturbed...

2007-06-06T02:58:00.000+08:00

_

Nostlagia, that's what I felt when I read yuqian's blog. Yup many fond memories with NEE1. I will defintely remember, how they bully and support me. Definitely a group of people whom I will miss dearly as I move on. I realise, I should start taking more photos... hmm...

2007-06-04T11:57:00.000+08:00

Changes

"When all else fades, my soul will dance with you, where the love last forever"
Hillsong London-where the love last forever

Finally, we have all moved on to the new structure. That's the thing about time, it moves on without any form of attachment or slowing down. Time simply moves on, as it has to. How chloeric? Time is relative though, time becomes too phlegmatic, when we simply can't wait for something to happen. Poor time, you can't please everyone.

I'm grafeful and glad that, as I embark on all this changes, I have great support around me. God had also been showering me with much assurance and comfort, increasing my faith and conviction, never had I felt so in tune and close with God.

I am excited for NED, are you girls ready?

2007-05-31T03:41:00.000+08:00

Beauty Chase.

One night, many nights ago, God dropped this phrase in my heart, "beauty chase". A relentless pursuit after beauty, the beauty that he had planned to reveal in my life. I need to chase it, to complete it. To fulfil it. It was a night, where hopes and dreams rekindled in a soul so broken from the many lost battles. The war, is still ongoing, I am still fighting. I want to chase that beauty, and I want to pursuit his glory. His holiness, his everything.
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men." Ecclesiastes 3:11
It was a verse that came later that night.
Somehow, I was comforted.
Since then, I went on a wild chase, true to my paradox nature. It was pretty clear that God had promise beautiful things, but all in his time. Tonight, I revisited beauty chase. I caught hold of eternity, I'm made for eternity, I'm reminded to be not too caught up with the things that are temporal. Let me learn, not to rush. Not too many things at one time.

I'm very glad I made the effort to attend the BGR seminar, even though it meant skipping gym and rushing to and fro from vocal lessons. I think it's very worth it, I really gotten much from the seminar. Even though they were the things I already, but man are forgetful, we always need reminders. I am simply so eager to learn in this BGR seminar, and God really never fail me, to refresh me with new insights and a even stronger desire to lead a pure and holy life for him.

Alrights, I need to get back to my work... need to complete this before I sleep....
-script for mega event.
-fill in names for workshop in camp.

Time check... 4:05am

Mission conference at 9am...

>.<

I am less than 5 hours from it.

2007-05-23T23:30:00.000+08:00

In conversation.

I had a msn conversation with an old old friend, I had forgotten when I got to know him. He seem so bitter about life. He is so angry with God.
For a moment, my heart, sank for him.
He didn't feel God, feel him too.
God's there but far far away.

It made me realise, how priviledge am I.

I hope one day, he will feel it, that God feels him.
His sorrows, and his every emotions.
One day. I will pray.

2007-05-22T12:36:00.000+08:00

God is sweet

My days and weeks had been hectic.
But he sent me good company.
I enjoyed my Monday.
Thank God for Shirls and Hammy Chong.
I could finally whine, Hammy Chong met me so that I could whine. Haha =)

God is really good to me ^^

And so as I woke up today at 7am, I can't help it but to worship him.

2007-05-18T16:19:00.000+08:00

Priceless

Listening:Crowded House - Don't Dream It's over

The song that I'm listening right now, is actually one of my all time favourite =) But it's been so long since I listen to it, reason now that I'm listening to it, it coz I'm doing research for camp's mega event. We gonna do a drama on Australia, and this song came to my mind, coz I remember hearing in on one of the tourism ad. (Of which I fell so deeply in love with this song! But I wonder if it's really the song or the scenary). Anyways, after a while, I realise, the ad is not for Australia but New Zealand. >.<

Keyboard lessons for entire course $1500
Vocal lessons for entire course $1200
California membership for a year $690
A simon and patrick guitar $850
My favourite Chanel sneakers $500
My wallet $100
1 movie ticket $9.50
1 starbucks trip $6
Friend who shares my heart priceless

There are many good things in my life that I can purchase, sooner or later.
But good friends are hard to find.
I pray that as I go through the above list, and begin a new phase of my life, God will also send me a friend to go through all this with me. A friendship like Johnathon and David in the bible.
I'm a complicated mix, God, please send me patient friend. =)

2007-05-16T20:22:00.000+08:00

Sophia...Sophia

Listening: Nerina Pallot - Sophia

Nerina Pallot is a multi instrumentalist, she knows how to play the guitar, piano, and violin.

I am a multi instrumentalist (amateur) too, I know the keyboard, guitar, recorder. I once knew how to read "dao gays" till I decided to stop practicising, and chose the easier path of chords. One day, I will want to return to the dao gays again, because, in my lifetime, I want to do classical and jazz. I seriously don't know how or when, that will happen, but when I want to do something I normally will do it. Right now, the only want I so desperately failed to achieve, is weight loss. Once I can conquer that I can pretty much conquer many things.

SMU said no.
FASS still no reply yet.
I am pretty set on my year break.
Most around me were a little skeptical towards the break.
I wonder how Hammy Chong will say about it. I am surprise I did not discuss with her.
Actually it's pretty obvious to myself that I want the break, and need the break.
Just.
If FASS says yes, then Theatre, Literature, History and French might be a tad too tempting, alluring...
I think FASS will most prob give me a no, I hope, they do.

God has been very divine in my life lately.
Important decisions made, with consequences.
In a way, it seems as if, I have a choice, the power to decide, yet, the degree of such a power is simply insignificant.
And the bible says, delight in the Lord for he will give you the desires of your heart.

Just at times, my dreams are so lofty.
So much bigger than me and my abilities.
I've got no choice but to look to him.

2007-05-15T13:57:00.000+08:00

Trends and Style.

Wow...this place had been stagnant for quite a long time!
So much had been going on in my life....
I will come back to update again.

I am looking still looking for my style and voice.
Keep me in prayers.
=)

* Trends come and go, style lasts forever...

2007-05-02T11:30:00.000+08:00

Chantel on the pretty, useless things.

I'm a sucker for pretty things, especially when they are useless. >.<

Pretty useless....hahs....

2007-04-25T04:02:00.000+08:00

Loves.

I know my birthday is still a long time away, but I will really love to have a shin tzu =)

I'm missing cody already. My cousin had two shin tzu too. Perhaps when they give birth

to pups, I'll get one. I really want one!

Anger is due to the lack of grace towards human flaws and feeling of rights being violated.

Sometimes I just get so angry, with you, him, her and them. At myself too.

Sometimes, I felt as if we are too selfish.

But who am I. To be angry?

Sometimes I cried at your smile and smile at your tears.

Did you give me the right to be angry?

Had He given me the right to be angry?

How can I love you and not be angry with you?

How can I love you and not cry for you?

I don't like the stuff you are doing now. I am angry with you. I don't think I have the right to, but I am. No, I think, I have. I don't care.

You don't care too.

And that's great.

Sometimes, I need to learn to breathe in your love, or the lack of.

No worries, if you don't understand what the whole chunk above is about. I didn't mean for another to understand. And if you do, then I would say, "WOW, youTOO?" =)

2007-04-23T18:29:00.000+08:00

Hi all, my favourite song at the moment.

2007-04-23T18:10:00.000+08:00

Smiles. Laughs.

A picture, speak a thousand words, if I could, I would have love to show you guys what a beautiful night I had on saturday. As much, I hate to leave my coreteam (we were celebrating Alvin's birthday), I left the celebration a little earlier to join the two lovely rachels for yet another birthday celebration. It was lovely Hammy Chong's birthday.

In a nutshell, what happen was,
21 helium filled balloons through NSL, citylink finally to the roof terrace of esplanade. Hammy commented, I bought rainbow to citylink in between giggles. I glared at her.
I had a had time, untangling the 21 balloons, the birthday girl had to do it herself. >.< I learnt, we are indeed made for different things. I tangled stuff, she helps me untangle =)
We released the 20 balloons to the night sky. It looks, cute. Like candies in the sky. Must have spiced up the night of the rest in the roof terrace.

Fondue at hiagen diaz.
Hammy and I entertained Rachel with our usual conversations.
I was entertained by Hammy's total "uncoolness".
Actually over that table, entertainment must have worked three ways, only, I believe Rachel is the most entertained.

My night ended with a long walk with Rachel (Fong), a much appreciated one. A unique friend. =)

And I thank the Lord for Hammy Chong, she brought a smile to my face and heart, after a long tiring day. Love you Hammy =). I am pedigree can!

2007-04-20T14:13:00.000+08:00

How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

If only I know. And you had allowed.

2007-04-16T13:53:00.000+08:00

Learning to breathe
in your love

My days had been so busy, I hardly had time to breathe. Agendas, after agendas, concerns, issues, things to go after, to look after, skills to improve, responsiblities to be fulfilled. My, week has been truly busy, and because it's had been so hectic, rest is thus well appreciated. Last night, I vomitted everything that I ate for the entire day and hadn't had any intake since then till now. While the whole ordeal was pretty uncomfortable, it suddenly dawn on me, as I lay on my bed looking at the clock that, it's been long, since I last went to bed at 10 oclock. It was a much appreciated rest. Comfort was short lived, I spend the rest of the night tossing and turning. Lord please heal me! When I don't feel like eating, I know I'm really sick. >.<

I'm learning to breathe...

2007-04-13T16:46:00.000+08:00

Over it

Presenting the song that I couldn't get off my head.

2007-04-11T15:27:00.000+08:00

My rabbit, hectic schedule.

No, my rabbit doesn't have a hectic schedule, I have. I just wanted to make the entry title sound nicer. Bascially, this entry is about my rabbit, and my hectic schedule.

Let me just start with my schedule first. For the next 3months I have appointments which are fixed on my weekly schedule. (Just occur to me that, it will be helpful for those who wants to date me out. Besides these slots, and shepherding, I'm actually free. oh excluding work too.)

Monday: Keyboard lesson 3:15-4:15 work 5pm onwards *
Tuesday: ULC 7:30pm -10pm
Wednesday: Vocal lesson 5:45PM-6:45PM
Thursday: Caregroup 5pm-8pm work
Friday: NE Prayermeet 5pm-6pm work
Saturday: SERVICE
Sunday: Work at 5pm

That's all folks. You can still date me out you know? hahaha......

Oh and I was just sharing with my shepherd that I need to classify my agendas into groups of which, each ended up in list.
Somehow, this is an entire different life from JC. *paradox I know. AH WELLS.

And so, I really understand why people get really busy. It's possible to be very very busy.

Back to my rabbit. I didn't know the rabbit shampoo comes in so many brands with different prices too. My rabbit actually share alot of things in common, however through the rabbit shampoo shopping experience I realise, that unlike me, my rabbit need not invest that much on hair(fur) products, she got naturally soft fur. Aish, not as if I aspire to have soft fur. NO FUR.
My rabbit is ridiculously mercenary. I wonder, those all animals act that way.

Ridiculously mercenary implies that you can't lure her with any TOM DICK AND HARRY food. *not that TOM DICK AND HARRY is not a brand, merely an expression. I'm a little worried that, if one day, she were to go missing, will she ever survive out there in the wild, there's only cockroaches and grass. >.<

2007-04-08T15:22:00.000+08:00

Hope and Dreams

Yesterday, is a day of much gains. I gain much from the experiences of the day, stories that I heard, sharing of Gideon. We were ask to share our blessings, I didn't had a chance to share mine. If I had, I would share that thank God for the full attendance, yesterday. It's been long. Been long that all came. Though it's not the same service. But, at least all, had came to worship him in service. I hope they have all gotten something. And I pray that one day, it will be the entire group on the table exchanging laughters and whatnots.

We didn't had much visitors. I don't know about the rest, but for me, I felt that I have shortchange those lives that might have been touched, should I have put in that extra effort. When I was younger, I was "pushed" by my leader to love others. I finally grew, to want to love others. The Easter service is good, many lives must have been touched. How about the many others out there? When will we stop looking at our own "beauty from pain"?
Self absorption gets irritating at times.
We already have God's presence in our life 24/7, the extra effort put in, in the Easter Service is really for those who didn't have his presence in their life.
You get it?
Yes you do.
Are you doing it?

God's love don't stop after Easter, and so the work is not done yet.
Shame on those who say they are tired, you are tired because you spend too much energy soaking in your own pain and problems. Shame.

Sorry that I have digress from the tittle. I just wanted to share a piece of my mind. I am angry at myself, how sometimes I get selfish. And I get angry with the others who are selfish too. Yet I recongnise that I am in no position to judge. But if we spend lesser time indulging in our emotions and problems, we can do more.

Back to Hopes and dreams, looking through my Believer Music schedules and progress report, I'm reminded of hopes and dreams. I doing pretty good in my beginner course, the module had just ended and I'm embarking on a new course. The path to being really good, would take some time, but I'm glad that, instead of dreaming, I'm taking steps to actualise them. It had just occur to me, that in ministry, we often end up, who we envision to be. People without vision, actualise their vision too, they float around, aimlessly, going witht the flow. And those, with a Godly vision, count the cost, pay the price, make the many sacrifices, and they will finally get to the places where God once showed them in their dreams.

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

I always trust God, to be the maker of all things, that include dreams and reality.

2007-04-03T18:25:00.000+08:00

Self Talk

I have to blog something. Really.
This place had been quiet for so long, I wonders who comes here anyway.
For the faithful ones we stayed on, this dying blog, I appreciate ya readership, and in turn you are rewarded with my ramblings and what nots. =)

If there's one that I had resoluted lately (besides the the ongoing decision to lead the healthier lifestyle, shed some pounds, of which I renewed that oath last night), is that, I should cease to externalise my internal conflicts. I realise I have a high tendency to verbalise the things that goes in my brains, and when you have brains that is fed with shows like FRIENDS and chic lit, smart things don't often come out, worse still, not so kind things. And if there's one serious lack in my speech, I would have to say, it's tact. I've been reminded by some around me to speak with tact. And the many "shock" looks that comes from my fellow church mates as I converse had really made start thinking, if there's something wrong with the way that I speak.

Like how we often make fun of sensitive bimbos who in between sniffs make comments like
imagine high pitch squealing voices...
"It's not what you said, but the way you say it!"

Then they start crying and crying....

*roll eyes*

Get a grip friend. Catch my point and move on ya?

haha... Oh wells.. yes, people I will watch my speech to be more tactful. And the next time you will find me not really speaking at all. Perhaps, that's the reason why I don't really converse well with sensitive people.I will lend to lack (tactfully) vocabulary to convey my message effectively.

Ah wells...

Oh by the way, the entry is entitled self talk, coz I wana talk more about self talk that I had when I'm on my way to SMU today,. but apparently I do not have much time left. I've got more serious things to do, aish.

* I can't believe it that, the carebear bath towels went out of stock. Now I need to source for new birthday presents for hammy chong. troublesome!

2007-03-12T16:48:00.000+08:00

It's been long...

For those, who doesn't know, my comp had caught virus, i.e. no internet access. Contrary to how I would have reacted normally, this time round, I actually find this a bliss. This is the second trip down to the cybercafe and this one, smelt nicer than the previous one, thank goodness =) However, the trade off would be, background music of maplestory and chatters of primary school boys *roll eyes*, makes me feel old. >.<

As I'm blogging, my kid brother is just beside me. playing maple story, (which is on me). I bet, such a deal must have come as a surprise to him. I'm trying to be nice... at the expense of my pocket.. oh geez..

Days without internet access is really a blessing. I finally took time to read. Chick lit, classics and whatnots. Just the other day out, I bought three books!
"Paulo Coelho - The Alchemist" , "Meg Cabot - Size 14 is not fat either" and "Oscar's Wilde - Picture of Dorian Gray"
A truly therapeutic experience, to purchase all this books, and reading them. It's a good change to finally indulge in something I would like to read than what I need to read.

Besides reading, I also spent much time on my keyboard and guitar =) My two babies... but the guitar is not really mine.... Just the other night, chance upon Chopin's Nocturnes, and I find myself falling in love with it again. Should there be a chance, perhaps, I should learn more about Classical music too. I took some time off abe laboriel and friends and jazz, coz they simply reminds me of the whole A level mugging experience, of which... hmm....not a very nice feeling...haha... Hence music these days is just alot of praise and worship, justin timberlake.... oh wells...

Spiritually, it's really been wonderful journeying with God though the different ups and downs during this period. Not just, sending people around me to love me, his tangible presence also gave me peace and hope. I felt truely bless. And more importantly, God had place in me lofty visions and dreams, convictions that anchored me firmly to him. I shared it with my leaders and their encouragement, blesses my heart. Yes, it can be done.

My partnership with him.

And I say, HIS n HERS

2007-03-06T22:19:00.000+08:00

Friends.

My A level results aint good.
Like how I shared with ruiz during our meet up, I screw it up.

Monday was a God blessed, I met up with two of my dearest friends, who really offered much support. Firstly, had TCC with Earth who is really sweet to initate the meet up just to make sure that I'm alright. I really enjoy meeting up with her, it seems like we have endless topics to talk and laugh about. I sure will look forward to other meet up with her =)

Meet up with ruiz, was initially a more serious one as we go through my options, of which, it's really not many. While the rest of meet up ended up with us irritating each other most of the time, I really do cherish this meet up with her. Coz both of us are so busy, it's not easy, to just meet up and stuff. After the meet up, really makes me reflect and realise how much she does cares for and trust me. And I think, all this would not be possible without God. Both of us had been hard to love for each other, but we did it anyway, ya? haha...

All this while, God had been so gracious to me, sending people around me, who loves and protects me. People whom I can trust and count on. All this, even when there are times that I'm rebellious or self centered. The way God is so gracious to me, I felt that I hadn't love him enough to deserve this. Of which, I know I really didn't.

Sometimes, I really feel that I haven't appreciate those around me enough. And I think I should really grow in this area. I must not take people for granted.

Hence, to the two friends who met up with me on Mon, I really appreaciate ya time and effort in meeting me. =)

2007-03-01T16:30:00.000+08:00

Amazed*

You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound

Lord, I am indeed amaze by you and how you love me.

*His & Hers. ~Intangible touch, tangible presence.

2007-03-01T03:53:00.000+08:00

Progess

Recently, I sense progress, both tangible and non tangible.

I'm glad I am making progresses in my keyboard lesson. And there's also somewhat of a progress in my guitar playing. haha. Felt more encouraged today, as I get more farmilar with the different chords of the D family on keyboard. Loads of hardwork needed to soar higher, but I know the lord is with me. This time round I must resolve to not be lazy. It's almost amusing to have one girl so amazed that I can play and sing at the same time, and she ask me how I can do it, teach her. I told her, I'm not naturally talented. I said, pray and practise. Yup. Actually I think I suck, but I really desire loads... =)

On the non tangible side, I saw I'm no longer that emotional wreck when things fall apart. And somehow, it's much easier to just simply go to him.

Few things that I'm looking forward to...

-Receving my a level result.
I've made plans for both good result and bad result.
Ideally I would like to get into NUS.
Should there be a plan B, personally I would really like to take a year off, to just meddle with things I like and figure out what I really want in life. Given a choice, I would like a year off to be expose to dance, more music lessons, more budget for books. A year, of simply just discovery and exposure, that would be lovely.

And suddenly plan B, sounds good.

But, on hindsight, going to NUS, will be better.
For practical reasons.
And also, I get to terrorise hammy chong *sniggers*
And, the good reason to shop for school bag and clothes!

For the better or for the worse, I will simply obey the direction that God will lead me. yups

- Second Module of keyboard lessons
While that would mean a time of crazy saving up (the lesson cost around 300bucks) and forgoing some bags, clothes and good food, it's all worthwhile. Developing this area of passion has already become a priority for me.
Oh man.. I have to once again postpone, my hair treatment and contact lens! Oh well, God will provide when he sees the need.

- NEE1 breaking 30
breaking 30 would signify a milestone, brand new dynamics, new people rising up. In the whole of my JC life, I have yet to see the JC girls group breaking 30. NEE1, jiayou!

2007-02-26T04:30:00.000+08:00

Perspective

I am blogging admist the state of mouselessness. Thankfully I am quite eloquent with my keyboard skills. See that I managed to bold my title. hehs.

The subject in matter today, is Perspective. What inspired this entry was a conversation I had with my shepherd over the phone. That very night, she spoke with so much wisdom, I was a lil amaze. LOL. Not that, she is not wise, but that night, she really brought up points of which I never really considered before. And that's why I say, people, utilise your shepherds, they are God given.

Anyways, she spoke to me about "Perpective".

A little background before I go into that.
One things about me is, I have this pet peeve of things no done properly. As such I will get immensely disturbed.
For example, when biblical principles are bended, especially if I happen to bend it myself. It doesn't matter if it's intentional or not. When I realise it or suspect it, I get very very disturbed.
Another example is Charle's and keith version of the paddingon bag. I am disturbed not because of the snob appeal, but more of the fact that I cannot stand it, when one copies the design of another, and pass it off as theirs. I'm am ok with things, going at economical prices. But, you don't copy totally something and after that pass it as yours. It's wrong. It's very wrong. At least replicas do acknowledge that they are fake and they are designer inspired.

Anyways, back of perspective. That night, I was particualarly disturbed by the fact, spending so much on a bag could be something "wrong", and it bothers me alot. However, my shepherd pointed out this. That actually all is in a matter of perspective. Some people value certian item more than others, hence willing to pay more for it. An example she gave is that, a guitarist will spend more than 1k on guitar but the most she will pay for a guitar is 200bucks.

At the point in time, I find that, yeah it makes sense.
Truthfully I felt much better.

I'm a little obsessive complusive.

Hahs....

Whilst, it's not wrong, I know there are rooms for improvement.

2007-02-25T00:40:00.000+08:00

What that truly matters
words.actions.expression

"But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." " 1 Samuel 16:7

The way the lord look at our hearts, we sometimes need not be that mindful with our words when communicating with him. For he know our unspoken words, he is able to discern fully every heart motive. If we love him, he knows. If we love other things more than him, he knows too. If we are struggling but we really want to obey, he will know it too.

And so we say, it's about what is not the outside but the inside that matters.

Yes true.

However, taking it from other perspective. Precisely that man looks a the outward appearance, shouldn't we be mindful of our physical actions. Our words, our actions our expressions. For we are call to "honor other before self" in other words, to serve each other.
To simply say that "oh, as long as my heart is okay", and this be frivolous in our speech, to blabber without much thought, what good can it do? Truth is outward appreance do matter, not in a way that you want to impress, but we all need to serve others to the best that we can.

Unintentionally, I have overlook this area, and conveyed messages which is unhelpful to those around me. I feel deeply apologetic. I thus repent and decide to improve on my words, actions and expressions.

Our apperance, really matters.
"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you"

Skin deep is but skin deep.
Above all, it is him that truly matters.
Chloe is not love
My maker is.

I enjoy the beauty of which my maker allows.
Yet, it's really the maker whom I really love.

I will grow =)

2007-02-20T02:42:00.000+08:00

Midnight Carousel

When night falls, several things happen. Almost routinely, every time. When all things fades to almost silence, I stand alone, before him, making the same prayers. Sometimes, I am unsure of these prayers, that I might not be worthy of them. Yet, there is simply so much at stake. A mélange of desperation and hopelessness. The same cycle, over and over. A time will come when all this will end, soon and very soon. Till then, the carousel continues, as I seek and learn.

As the melancholy overture plays in my mind, my heart is filled with an unspeakable longing. A longing for something more. More than all this.

Ardent longings...

so much more to be done.

2007-02-19T04:08:00.000+08:00

Just a lil something....

Yup, just a little something before I go to sleep...

Hammy Chong is being very cheeky today, to sms me this,
"Hey your bag dammmm nice. I'm bringing it out today ok haha"

My replied went something like " really ar? Make sure you put it back nicely and no scratches!"

I had mixed feeling seriously. On one hand, I trust her. On the other hand, we are talking about my brand new Chloe paddington of which I haven even touch. However, I love her enough to trust her more.

Hahs, in the end, she didn't use it at all!

And so I say, she is being cheeky. >.<

She does that one more time, I am going to make her drive my Chloes to my place!

Through this small incident, I realise the amount of trust and love I have for this dear sister. If it's any other person, I prolly would have called and screamed at that person. >.<

2007-02-19T02:53:00.000+08:00

First Day of Lunar New Year

The first day of Lunar New Year, visitation to Uncle Eng Chuan and Auntie Maureen's place. Few things took place.
As we were leaving our house to get a cab, my mother noticed my key and padlock, necklace and snubbed it. Yes... she totally dissed it. >.<
After which, we arrived at Uncle Eng Chuan and Auntie Maureen's place, my padlock was once again, the a hot topic. Aunties and Uncles, amused, at my padlock.
Seriously...what is wrong with my padlock? I wonder what would their reaction be should I carry my Chloes the next time round I see them. However, Uncle Eng Chuan was being encouraging as he shook my hand and said, "you look good today." OH thank you =)

Responding to the sermon trying to connect with out family members, I decided to talk more with Auntie Maureen (though they are already Christians), hence I decided to ask, " Oh so you been working? or Stop already?"
She replied, "oh..I have retired for 7 years."
Me, amazed, "Oh...I never knew...."
To resolve the awkardness, she said, "Oh but i'm working a a sense, a full time grandmother, looking after my granddaughter..."
Me: " oh...yes...what's her name?"
Auntie Maureen : " Penelope... "
Me:"wow..."
Auntie Maureen: "yeah...that's quite a mouthful..."

Yes, indeed, eventually, I didn't even try to pronouce it. Penelope by the way holds dual citizenship, Canada and Singapore. Isn't that cool or what!
And in their place, I discovered, the KORG TRITON. oh man!

That's just a part of my very complicated extended family. Once a year, I hear stories of far away people. Perhaps, reason being, my great grandfather has got 3 wives, and he owns a shipping company. Meaning, loads of children and money. However, all that till this generation, is very much diluted.

Oh and every year, Uncle Eng Chuan and family will send us Christmas present. So sweet ya?

2007-02-18T02:41:00.000+08:00

Just some stuff....

Love song for the savior is still running in my head. Am listening to that song as I am typing this entry. Nothing much about today, the same steamboat and stuff like that. I must say that I sleep alot today, must have been the medicine. I am still sick T.T

My Chloes had finally arrived. =) Hammy Chong is sweet enough to offer to drive to my place and pass it to me. But was really tired, so decided to take it from her on sat. I am looking forward to taking them. I suspect as I am typing now, she might just carry it and take photos with it. She seemed like she cannot wait to swallow my precious Chloes. hahas...

And... I am really really tired. Happy Lunar New Year to all...
Ciaos...

2007-02-15T01:04:00.000+08:00

Love Song for savior.

Love song for savior is my favourite song for the moment. I like the simplicity the song exudes, the rythm is also rather cheery.

Today, I stayed back a lil while to practice on the keyboard. Mom, promise a keyboard after CNY. =) As I was practicing I am glad that I am getting better at my D family chords, more farmiliar with them. I was once lost, and now I had found the "feel"... haha. Practice, when you do something over and over again, you get familiar with it and eventually can do it effortlessly. Sometimes, isn't that also true for bad habits and unhealthy thought patterns, u keep dwelling in it, you get more familar and doing them become effortless. And the truth is, as we put our heart to doing something, whether it's good or bad, as we keep doing, we will get "better", for the better or for the worst. Just keep doing, and you will be brillant in it.

Back to simplicity. I like to do simple things. Ponder simple thoughts. Bless people with a simple motive. I have this fetish towards, simplicity. Sometimes, some call that boring. But for me, I like simplicity. Because there is so much beauty and room for imagination in simplicity. One thing I like to do is to have a heart like a "country pumpkin" when exploring new places or even simple bus rides, to be wow and amazed by everything that I see. With a simple heart, a sincere heart I want to know everything around me. I dunno how to explain it, but I delight in simplicity. One reason why, I'm often not a big fan of haute couture of many, coz in design, there are often intricate details and such. I'm not so much into details, as much as I wish I could (and really admire people who has an eye for the small things). The simplicity in heart, the simplicity in motive, words, design.
I want to be simple.
Yet that would be paradox.
Human beings are far too intricate to be simple.
At least when all things aside, I know in his eyes, I'm beautiful and in my simplest heart, I want to love him with all that I can.
Simplify me, and I'm just one of this creation.

* His and Hers. ~ I want to fall in love with you....

2007-02-12T04:22:00.000+08:00

Recount.

Woke up in shock this morning (technically last), time was 1045am, I was suppose to attend the adult service at 11.30am. Thankfully I managed to made my way there on time, without cabbing.

Pastor Jeff delievered one of his best sermons yet, or perhaps of the ones that I have received. Each point is still fresh in my mind. Perhaps, the subject in matter was a interesting one. His insightful sharing and personal testimony really refresh me on issues with regards to BGR, yes boy girl relationship. The journey from cuppage to PS, my shepherd asked me several questions, new questions that I was surprise to answer. It was nonetheless an interesting one. Of which, I will not reveal the content in my public blog =X

Anyways, one thing that really struck me, is this that was shared, "when the vision is clear, the option is lesser, the decisions are easier." Indeed, a timely reminder of how each of us, should have a vision of what to do in life. A easy guideline of how a vision should be like, should a combination of your heart desire (giftings, passion) that is according to his will. Say, perhaps a businessman to earn alot of money for the KOG. Something like that...
And it's only when you have a vision, that you will have something to focus on and not get so easily distracted. Each of us uniquely created in him, is specially wired for something, should you be reading this entry, I really want to encourage you to connect your desires with his purpose. Rest assure that as you desire to seek him, he will be found. Finding your personal vision in him, is not that hard.

Monday will be a day of sabbath. A day of planning, running errands, a time for myself and him. I'm looking forward to this day of rest, of which I had planned fruiftul activities.

*His and Hers.~ If you cannot love a perfect being like God, how can you love an imperfect fallen fellow human being?

2007-02-11T01:59:00.000+08:00

Time Capsules.

The music that we listen to, often reflect our personality, somehow. Tonight, I'm reminded of a song, that sounded pretty meaningful, it's lyrics running in my head.

"Looking at life through my own eyes, searching for a hero to idolise, feeling the pain as innocence dies...."

It was such an old song, perhaps, when was 13or14 or 15? The song was a result of Shuyan's aaron carter obsession. But nevermind, I am actually reminded at how, at my early teens, the search for meaning and purpose is already so strong. I am reminded of how, many out there, are still looking for their "hero to idolise."

Sometimes, one of the worse feeling one can experience is loneliness. Sitting there, alone, "looking at life through our eyes, searching for a hero to idolise. " The older grow, "feeling the pain as innocence dies....So true isn't it? That as one grows older, exposed to the different experiences, to this fallen world, our many delusion, a collection of such experiences is will only bring much pain. And so, for the many out there lost, dug deeper holes, to conceal these experiences, once a while, they bring it out again, to allow pain fill up whatever vacumm that current experience failed to fill. It's a vicious cycle.

Pain like a drug, is addictive.

I used to look at the world through my own eyes, it wasn't easy. With my eyes, me alone, it was a lonely trip of exploration, seeking, disappointing, emptiness that I filled with different pain. Fear that consume me to inflict more pain. So scary. You know, I wasn't doing that bad outwardly, looking at the world through my own eyes. Just sometimes, it felt abit lonely.

Thankfully, I'm no longer looking at life through my own eyes.
No longer lonely.

One of the best encouragement I have today, is that, my teaching invoke people to be melancholy, that they will think deeper. Seriously, I'm simply encouraged.

And you see, it's not me, I was once empty, but he poured something in.

2007-02-08T03:55:00.000+08:00

Material rants.

There had been mixed comments coupled with my own internal debate over my material direction. In simpler terms, things I have bought and things I will be buying, or have the intention to buy. Me, true to what Jiayi always refer to me as, in true blue "matter of fact" manner, am gonna list out Chantel's very own, material dos and don'ts. Here it goes...

1. I will never personally purchase a Chanel replica. Never. I could never bring myself to.
2. I will never purchase a material want at a price more that I will give as charity or for ministry purpose.
3. I never believe in material things for esteem boast.
4. I will not indulge in any material things, just coz it will make me feel good, coz I already have a maker who is able and will satisfied my every need and lack
5. However, that being so, I still appreciate asethetics
6. I do appreciate and respect designers right to their designs, however, I would be economical and think beyond the line of commercialisation. Should it be a more economical reason to not purchase their items at ridiculous prices, a replica is acceptable. Because, for me, I find it ridiculous to spend more than $3000 on a bag when in africa people are dying from hunger.
7. The world of haute couture still fascinates me nonetheless, I respect every designer's design. Yet I believe as a consumer, I pay what I deem worthy. =)

Yes, Chanel is a soft spot. I can never bring myself to buy a Chanel replica.

2007-02-07T02:17:00.000+08:00

A quick one.

Many things in my agenda list. So much more too on my shopping list. Loads of things to acquire, needs. Books to purchase, new clothes, keyboards, guitars, bags.... I need to start planning my shopping list so as to priortise.

I believe as I gain more shopping experience I will stop being a stupid shopper. Should I have that finacial ablity I don't mind getting the Dior wallet for Shuyan. SHOULD I. haha... At least I have a heart that wants to bless.

Retail therapy is always good. After much bad experience, I conclude that, the only way to acheive brilliant shopping experience, is to shop at Chanels, Dior, Jimmy choos and such, coz, in such shops, I won't get rip off. Yet, to speak of such extravagance at such humble stature, is a tad impossible. Of which I hence choose a second option, to have an open heart. The next time, I want to make a purchase, let me think through first, and get it at a price I find it to be worthy of.
Money earn to be spent.

Yet, let me know spend them wisely.

I have embarked on a Chloe fast. No Chloes, till my ministry is stablised and goals are hit. Afterall my ministry is my priority. Yet I have to say, it's gonna be painful. Indeed.

2007-02-02T04:38:00.000+08:00

Ridiculous.

I cannot believe this.

Just as I was hopefully searching for any chloe paddington sprees, I chance upon one, actually that is the only working one, but a close one. And i realise, it was organised by a friend of mine. Almost a year ago. At a price so cheap, I seriously don't mind paying, even at that point in time. Rahs.... Rahsss... Rahsss....

I cannot believe it that no one is organising any chloe sprees now. T.T

Prayerfully in a month's time, someone will do it. *Prays*

hahs.

Chloe spree anyone? Perhaps, I can get the details of the supplier from her, and get a couple of like minded friends and wala. YES YES....

^^
Now now.. I hope the borders "3for2" is still available. Chantel wants to buy books!

2007-01-31T04:08:00.000+08:00

Borders

The book that I picked up from Borders today is not a sales item, but something I know will be helpful to me. Browsing through the "three for two" I can't help, making a mental "to buy list", yet another voice in me from my list and asked, "buy and read this books... for what?"

I'm such a task oriented and purpose driven person that, it's almost impossible for me to do something without. When it comes to books, I'm often, picky. I read books that is helpful to me, truth is, I seldom read for the sake of reading. Hence perhaps, I have read more non fiction than fictions. (excluding the lit text that is).

In a nutshell, I buy things to serve a function. But, me being me, with all my paradox and everything often up end in 2 results...

1] I often think through before I make my purchases, weighing every possible pro and cons, and striving to the best to make the most economical decision. (note that economical dun imply cheap, perhaps a purchase with more pros than cons). However, I still make SILLY purchases. Yes. The key and padlock necklace. But, heys I love it ok.

2] As much as I don't have that obession to embrace fiction, I do have my once in a while cravings, for "the silly witty meaningless" whatnots. I buy implusively as my heart calls.

In conclusion, before the "3for2" offers ends, I will grab a few copies of fictions from Borders. A bonus would be that, their covers are OH SO PRETTY.

I'm seriously a sucker for sale.

2007-01-30T02:36:00.000+08:00

I am glad....

to say that at the rate that I am purchasing books, I am on my way to orgainising my books into categories of "Apolegetics", "Leadership", " Personal Growth", Fiction "General", "Classics" , "Plays", "comics" =))

I really enjoy buying books, because, when it comes to buying books, there is no such thing as a bad purchase. I heard that borders is having 40% sale... Shall head down soon, perhaps tomorrow.

If there is any collection that I am proud of, I really am proud of my books and cds collection.

Books collection is due to several reasons. Some books are the kind which you simply cannot just read them once, either they have too much information or they are simply such good reads. And some unintentional addition is due to the fact that I'm a Lit student and some books are compulsory reading. hehs. No complains though.

Today's entry is really dedicated to my books obsession, so I am going to name some of my collections in categories.... haha....

Apologetics - Case for Chirst - LEE Strobel
Case for Faith - Lee strobel
Who make God - Ravi Zacharias Norma Geisler

uhm... okay I'm getting abit too lazy to name the rest....
but some noteworthy ones.. which I got for superficial reasons (so that they look nice on my book shelf is...)
Bridget Jones Diary
A bend in the Road
My dilbert collections.... of which I actually gave away one book.. come to think about it.. I wonder why..>.<

Actually, I do enjoy them, looking nice on my bookshelf is just a bonus, yet a greatly appreciated bonus. Hahs!

At least I didn't buy shopaholics.

And so, the book fetish continues...

I'm thinking of suscribing to times again.... seriously regretted unsuscribing it.
And... perhaps, time to invest on some Jazz Cds too....
Always good to have more exposure.

Let me make it a point to invest more on soul food then physical food!

For superficial reasons, I might just get those chanel books from Kino.... haha...

And as I am typing this entry... I recall several people who borrowed books from me and have yet to return! =.=

2007-01-28T03:22:00.000+08:00

Ardent longings.

A simple conversation I had with my maker, some time back....

Me: Did I screw it up?
Him: Yes you did
Me (Feeling really guilty) : HOW? What can I do?
Him: **silence**
Me: How?
Him: I'm with you
Me: Yes I know, so?
Him: I will take care of it.
Me: you sure?
Him: yes. I will do it with you. And I will see you through it.

There are days, I felt as if I could die from a major boo boo. There are days, when I screw up something so precious to me, I feel like killing myself. There are days when I want to shut myself from every single human being and just retreat to a corner with him.

And there are days, when my heart reminds me of an ardent longing for a tangible love. I ask him, how God? You love me, yes I know, but who is that someone who really love me in a way that I will feel love?

You know sometimes the way he love us through people is touching. Gifts, or affirmations from love ones.

But the best moment is, when he spoke to our heart directly.
Nothing beats affirmation and encouragement from him directly.

If you get what I say, good for you.
If you don't I hope one day you get it.

2007-01-26T03:28:00.000+08:00

Random what nots...

Work ended at almost 3am today, I had ample time to read (a book) and write cards. Sometimes, work is really not that bad. I had a dilemma, I was hesitating if I should go for jog before turning in after work. A couple of things ran in my mind. I thought of Jessica Alba, how she worked off the extra calories through exercise, and I thought yea, I should burn off my extra calories too, yet upon reaching home and taking a look at the surroundings from the window, tonight seemed a little eerie. =.=

Hence, no jog.

But I seriously do want to get into some fitness regime. Deep in my heart, I'm desiring a decent canvas for couture. And karl lagerfed says, Fashion is the healthiest motivation for weight loss. He himself, lost 20pounds (if i'm not wrong) , so that he will pull off his favourite valentino suits.

Superficial?

Alright, let's just say that, I want to be healthier so as not to get myself into health problems, and looking better is just a bonus.

Sound better?

There is a perfectionist in me, that will soon be awaken.

*horrified*

Am I surprise?

No. Coz I had always loved that pyschopath in Jan burke's "flight". One of my all time favourite thriller. The pyschopath had an obession with neatness and precision.

Sometimes, I wondered if I got split personality.
Perhaps, I'm just not boring.
Or...temperamental will be a better word.

2007-01-19T22:31:00.000+08:00

Beauty and her many faces

Regrets and it's emotional scarrings has it's way of tormenting the soul. Should we have evaluate, resoluted and decided to move on. We cannot deny pain. Hence, who's who to say what's what, I'm not saying that when I had moved on, I dun feel remorse or the more typically term "bad", but what can feeling bad do? Should such feelings of guilt and "bad" affect future performance, the question is why still hold on?

Heard of beauty from pain?

And there is the creative arts.Creative arts, is made to transcend beauty. Songs, music, plays, novels, dance. Arts, has it's way of captivating and comforting. Our relentless pursuit for beauty, for everything that the soul crave and covet for, is manifested upon the many artworks. Images, sounds, a thousand and one sensations. The heart wrenching tragedies to the dark gothic. Beauty and it's many faces.

The fallen nature of human beings, has it's way of being attracted to beauty, even when it's deviant. Our heart, has it's way to flirt, embrace, connect with beauty. The word, i'm searching for is... indulgence. Yes...

Beauty and our heart.

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9

And of course, the subject in matter "beauty and it's many faces" could be developed and discussed in great length, however today, I just want to make a point that..
It's not difficult to love beauty, even when it's illegitimate, O heart, stop deceiving yourself.

This is a generation lead by it's heart. People stop thinking what is right. They feel what is right.

What happens, when feelings goes so wrong?
Perhaps that's when your heart fails you.
Man, O man, why, so helpless, when held convict by your very own being?

The next time you feel so proud that you feel so good, question again, what is there to be proud of? Is it even legitimate?